I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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