Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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