apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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