I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just pee around me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
