i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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