Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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