He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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