Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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