I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
