How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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