ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
