Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
