im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was confusing and full of hummus
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
