Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just had sex bonerless
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
