So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
