every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
