i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
