im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
