i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
