I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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