I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
