I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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