The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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