Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
