i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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