You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
