i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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