i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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