The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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