You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
