my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
