Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
