Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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