The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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