He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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