He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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