Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
