Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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