Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
