Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
