when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
