I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
