Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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