Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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