My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
