some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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