Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize