I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
