Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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