I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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