Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
