They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
