Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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