May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
