You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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