spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
