I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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