I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
