btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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